It's a dislocated neck. That's what it is.
It could happen. I've never seen it happen, but it could happen.
Yeah, so? Fix it.
- How? - I don't know. Just do it!
I wouldn't know where to begin, Madeline.
For God's sake!
Ah!
Oh!
Honey, I think I need a doctor.
- What's the matter with this guy? - She's at death's door!
Doctor, she's at death's door.
Why don't you let me be the judge of that?
What seems to be the problem?
I fell down the stairs.
Whoopsie. Anything broken?
I don't think so. I mean, it would hurt, wouldn't it?
I should think so, yeah.
Maybe my wrist, but my neck feels sort of sore.
Let's have a little look at you. Which wrist is it?
Right.
- Does it hurt when I do this? - No.
- How about this? - Nope.
- Ah, okay, this? - Hmm, no, uh-uh.
- This doesn't hurt? - Uh-uh. No.
Are you telling me it doesn't hurt when I do this?
It doesn't hurt. I told you that.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Okay, what's this you're talking about with your neck?
It hurts when I kinda turn it, you know?
Maybe you just...
Okay, right. I see. Gotcha.
- What about shock? Should we check? - It could be shock.
It could be shock.
What is...
What? What is it? What's the matter?
It's, uh, it's interesting.
It's okeydokey.
I think that just about covers it.
- Might I have a little sip of that? - Of course.
Well, I'll tell you what. We, this, uh, odd thing.
Your wrist, as far as I can tell,
it's fractured in three places.
And you've shattered, uh, two, uh, vertebrae.
I can't really be certain without an X ray.
But the bone protrusion through the skin, that's not a good sign.
And, uh... your body temperature is below 80...
and, your, your, your...
your heart's stopped beating.
What the hell does that mean?
Exactly! Exactly what...
I think... I'm gonna get a second opinion.
Doctor?
Well, could be worse.
- I'm gonna examine you myself. - No.
- Sit still. - Don't touch me.
- My God, he's right. - He is not right. Don't be ridiculous.
- This is incredible. - What would it mean if he were right?
You're in violation of every natural law that I know.
l, l, l, I violated what law?
In violation of every natural law that I know!
You're sitting there, you're talking to me, but you're dead!
I'm gonna get help!
I need a doctor! Room 147!
Hey! Hey!
Respiratory therapist to E.R. Therapist to the E.R.
Where are all the doctors?
No, no, no! Not that lab!
Everyone clear.
- What do we have now? - No pulse!
Where is she?
I'm terribly sorry, sir. I know how difficult this must be.
You don't understand. She didn't...
This is very hard to explain.
I know it is. How can anyone explain it?
- Where did you put my wife? - Don't worry about that now.
Just give yourself some time to grieve.
- Where did you put my wife? - She's dead. She's in the morgue.
The morgue! She'll be furious.
- Help! - Yes, it's me, darling.
Oh, Ernest!
I fainted and I woke up and it was all dark.
I kept yelling and yelling and yelling.
Nobody heard me. Nobody did anything.
Then I didn't know where I was and I got scared.
It's okay. It's all right.
Ernest, I'm in the morgue.
- Why am I in the morgue? - Shh! It's okay. It's okay!
Listen! I understand now. It's incredible!
It's physically impossible, but now I understand it.
- They think I'm dead, Ernest. - Yes! But you're not!
In the whole of recorded medical history,
this has never happened to another single human.
Yeah, so, why did it have to happen to me?
- Do you know what you are, darling? - Uh-uh.
You're a sign. You're an omen, a burning bush!
- I am? - Of course you are.
We're being told that we belong together.
And I'm being called. I'm being challenged.
Don't you see, Madeline? It's a miracle!
Oh, my God!
Shit!
Oh!
Formaldehyde.
What in God's name?
Darn it.
It's just not the right balance.
- How's it goin', Ern? - I don't wanna rush things, Madeline.
Who keeps calling?
- Huh? - Who is that?
I can't have these interruptions!
I'm gonna need you to hold very still.
Oh!
- What? - Madeline!
- I asked you to sit still. - Mmm, what's the matter?
- I need more turpentine now. - Are we almost done?
The highlights of your eyes are unbalanced. Want people to stare?
I can't use kerosene because it'll affect the skin.
Where is she?
Oh, my gosh, Helen! What are you doin' here?
What's that on your hands? Blood?
- Paint! - Paint?
What would you be doing that you have paint on your hands?
- Painting. - Ernest.
Are you doing something funny with Madeline?
- Define funny. - Oh, come on, Ernest. Cough her up!
Shh, shh, shh, listen, Helen.
- We should go outside and talk. - Why are you whispering?
- She's resting and in a foul mood. - Are you nuts?
- She's resting! - She's not resting.
She's dead, Ernest, just like we wanted, just like we plotted together.
Remember? You may have done it alone, but I can't walk away now.
- Not after you put us both in jeopardy! - Shh!
We have to bury her in Death Valley and be done with her once and for all.
- You have to listen to me. - Stop waffling. She deserved it.
She was a home wrecker. She was a man-eater.
And she was a bad... actress.
- Would you please listen to me! - Oh, stop it!
Madeline is not ready to be buried yet.
- She's upstairs resting peacefully. - Oh, fine!
If she's not dead, you tell her to come here.
Tell her to come here, walk right up to me...
- And kiss me on the... - Kiss you on the what?
- Mad? - Hel.
- Darling. - What have you two...
been plotting down here or should I say, what else?
Are you angry, dear? Are you very angry?
- It's alive. - Madeline?
Oh, boy! Helen, I think you should leave right away.
I see a very bad situation developing here.
Dear? Madeline?
I just want you to know one thing, Hel.
You brought this on yourself.
Madeline!
Oh, my God!
- What have you done? - What have I done? Defended myself.
You plotter, coconspirator!
- She's dead! - She is?
These are the moments that make life worth living.
My God, Madeline, that was horrible. It was brutal.
It was stupid! The police, Madeline! The police!
What are they gonna do? Put me in the gas chamber? Big deal.
Life in prison? Know what that means to a person in your condition?
- So negative. Let me enjoy the moment. - What about the neighbors?
Neighbors? In 12 years in Los Angeles, have you ever seen a neighbor?
Oh! I gotta think! I gotta think!
One of us has to stay rational.
I am completely rational. We're going to bury her.
In Death Valley. You and I.
I most certainly will not!
Oh, no? Pretty strong words for a murderer on the run,
which is exactly what you are, Ernest.
What if the police should receive an anonymous phone call about you...
and find me on the floor not breathing, no pulse?
Ain't nobody can play dead like me, Ernest.
What will you tell them? You're going to be very popular in prison.
- Prison? - Prison.
Do you know what they do to soft, bald, overweight Republicans...
in prison, Ernest?
I'll get the shovels, dear.
And she even paid for the hardware.
Don't you just love it?
Oh!
- Are you just gonna sit there? - What?
- I won't be your accomplice by myself. - I'll help.
- I'm happy to help. - Help me stretch this out. Get the end.
- I'm very happy to help. - Put the body right here.
Today really shaped up in a hurry, didn't it?
Did you ever notice how some days can start out so shitty...
and then suddenly something wonderful happens and your whole outlook...
just suddenly... changes.
That... was totally uncalled-for.
Look at me, Ernest, just look at me. I'm soaking wet.
And there seems to be something wrong with your, uh, blouse.
I have a hole in my stomach!
Oh!
I have a hole in my stomach!
Yeah, and you're still alive.
- It's another miracle! - No, it isn't.
Ha! Ah-ha! You took the potion!
- How do you know about that? - Oh!
- You took the potion too. - Well, I hardly needed it.
So that's why you look the way you do and you are dead.
- When did you take it? - October 26, 1985. Way before you!
- What are you talking about? - The potion!
- How much did you pay? - Everything I had.
- And that was cheap! - You took a potion?
- Beauty book, my butt! - Wait a second.
I don't think this is a miracle at all!
You're a fraud, a walking lie and I can see right through you!
Speaking of which, as a friend, some advice.
I would stay out of a bathing suit for a while.
At least, a two piece.
Or if l...
Damn. I just fixed this.
En garde.
- Bitch. - Girls, girls!
Let's just calm down. I'm sure we can settle this peacefully... Whoa!
You should learn not to compete with me. I always win.
Yah! Yah!
You may have always won, but you never played fair.
Oh!
Who cares how I played? I won!
I'll just be upstairs.
That's 'cause you could raise your legs higher than anyone.
But look at you now! You couldn't raise an eyebrow without surgery!
I've raised a lot more than an eyebrow in my day.
You skinny, phony, hollow bitch!
You've lost your one and only talent.
Which was one more talent than you had, you former fatso!
- Aaah! - Yes! No! Oh, damn!
This is pointless! Wait a minute, this is ridiculous!
We can't even hurt each other! We can't even inflict pain!
Pain!
I'll tell ya about pain! Bobby O'Brien!
Scott Hunter! Ernest Menville! That's pain!
I loved every one of them and they loved me.
I will not speak to you till you put your head on straight.
They were all I had and you took them away from me.
Not because you loved them, not because you cared...
but just to hurt me on purpose.
- That is not true! - Liar!
- You attacked me first! - Me?
Do you think I was blind, deaf?
I couldn't hear what you and your snotty friends were saying about me?
- You thought I was cheap. - Oh, please. You're insane.
Then how come you never invited me to one of those parties at your parents?
Because we didn't think you'd feel comfortable.
- It wasn't usual for... Stop that! - I'm trying.
- It wasn't usual for us to have... - Trash in the house!
You're avoiding the issue. You stole my boyfriends to hurt me on purpose!
- I did not! - Admit it!
No, you admit it. You look me in the eye...
and you admit you thought I was cheap.
Okay, I thought you were cheap.
Well,
I hurt you on purpose.
and I'm... really sorry.
I'm sorry too.
Ern, darling.
Helen and I want to apologize for that little thing downstairs.
- We've got it out of our systems now. - Yeah, thank God.
It was so awful hating you and envying you at the same time.
You envied me? I envied you!
- You did not! - I did too.
- Specifically, what part did you envy? - Your grade point for one.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
I just wanted to tell you both that I've come to a decision that's...
very important and long overdue.
- I'm leaving. - You're what? Leaving? No.
- We need you. - I promised Hel you would fix her.
And Maddie needs work too.
- You can go first. - Oh, that's so sweet of you!
Thank you. Ern?
Come on. What do you say? For old times sake.
Please!
On one condition. When I'm done, I go.
You don't look for me. You don't ask about me.
You don't even think about me ever again.
I have no problem with that. Do you?
Not anymore.
- Oh! - Oh! It's amazing!
- Oh! - Not a blemish! Not a pore!
Oh! Say what you will about Ernest, but the man is a genius.
He is. He's a genius.
- Wait. You've got a little thing. - Ooh!
Probably shouldn't have done that. Ha-ha!
- I think it's still... wet. - Can Ernest fix this?
- Yeah, I'll get him before he leaves. - But wait a minute.
What if this happens again?
What if it fades? Chips? What if it rains?
- Will he come back for touch-ups? - Even if he does,
he's not gonna live forever.
- That's not good. - What are we gonna do?
- He'll have to take the potion. - Yeah!
We'll take him to Lisle's. She'll talk him into it.
He won't go to Lisle's. You heard him. He's made up his mind about leaving.
That's true. We have to respect that.
I know. We'll drug him.
Ern, darling.
My taxi here?
We thought you might like some breakfast.
You know, I was just thinking.
I was questioning myself. I was wondering why...
I didn't pack this thing five years ago,
six years ago, ten years ago, instead of sticking around here...
and suffering every indignity and humiliation.
I'll tell ya why. Because I made a promise...
and that meant everything to me.
Yes, it's all very noble to keep your word.
Ernest? Your drink?
Do you know what they call someone who sticks by their word no matter what?
- At the cost of all else? Do you know? - No.
An idiot. From now on I'm gonna be the kind of idiot I wanna be.
An idiot with a modicum of pride, because you know what?
I finally realized something. I've lived up to my promise.
Till death do us part.
Well, you girls are dead.
And I'm parting.
Cheers.
You know something else?
I drink too much.
What?
I'm glad to see you're awake, Dr. Menville.
I hope you don't mind...
that Harry and Dick had to dress you.
You were improperly attired for the occasion.
What occasion?
I'm throwing a party upstairs.
I throw one every spring for my clients.
All right.
Okay.
- What do you want with me? - To you...
I would like to give a present.
The gift of life...
and youth forever.
I saw your wife and friend.
You did brilliant work.
Show me your hand.
Come on. I won't bite.
What are you doing?
I'm loving you.
My God!
Oh, thank you.
But don't be modest. That's what you do.
This is what you've always done.
Stopped time in people's faces and in their hands.
You are like Don Quixote,
tilting at nature's windmill.
Drink it.
Go on.
It is the completion of your life's work.
You gave other people youth...
and wasted your own.
Drink!
You'll be able to work again... forever.
Drink.
Drink! Dr. Menville!
You owe yourself another chance. Drink!
Make the right choice! The only choice!
Drink! Siempre viva!
Live forever!
Then what?
What?
- Then what happens? - What?
I don't wanna live forever.
It sounds good, but what am I gonna do? What if I get bored?
- What? - What if I get lonely?
Who am I gonna hang around with, Madeline and Helen?
What if something happens to me? What if I get maimed?
What if I get shot? What if somebody pushes me down...
What if I fall down a flight of stairs or something?
- But you never grow old. - But everybody else will.
I'll have to watch everyone around me die.
I don't think this is right.
This is not a dream. This is a nightmare.
You people all have to be stopped.
Dick, Tom, Harry.
Get the potion from him!
- Get him! Get him! - Relax. He won't get far.
Not at his age.
Welcome, everyone. Lisle will be down in a few minutes.
First, I must remind all of you who staged your own deaths...
of our very strict policy against...
popping up in public to grab a few headlines.
I won't name names. You know who you are.
I was just trying to have some fun. That's all.
Look! There's Ernest!
Oh, my God! He still looks like hell.
I don't think she gave him the good stuff.
Look!
He's still got it!
Let's go.
Oh, everybody gather round.
Lisle will be with us in a very few seconds.
Gentlemen, please, seal the room.
He's going up.
Idiot!
Oh, boy!
Ernest!
- Helen! - Grab it!
- L... - Ernest!
Ernest! Grab it!
Grab it!
Ernest! Do you still have the potion? Do you still have it?
Find it! Find it!
It's the only way you'll survive if you fall.
Drink it! Drink it or you'll die!
- Oh! - After you fall,
you can put yourself back together again.
Drink it!
- Drink it. Drink it! - Drink it!
Drink it! Drink it!
You have to!
We need you!
I'm sorry, dears.
You're on your own.
So...
are you gonna be done soon or what?
Oh, yes! I'm gonna be done very soon.
That was pretty neat.
It'd be better for both of you to get him back.
- Yes? - Nothing. It's too late. He got away.
- Damn! - I said we should go to the airport!
- You said no such thing. - I knew he wasn't coming back here.
- You have all the answers, don't you? - Ohh! Look!
- I'm peeling already! - Oh!
- Me too! - Who's gonna fix this?
We're in trouble. Ernest is gone.
We can't go back to Lisle's. She told us to take care of our bodies.
- And look at us! We're dead! - Yeah!
This is so embarrassing.
You know what this is? This is simply a question of, uh, maintenance!
Yeah, this is upkeep. We just have to be very careful with ourselves.
We have to take care of each other.
I'll paint your ass; you paint mine.
- Who could have imagined? - Yeah.
- You and me... together. - Yeah, I know.
Depending on each other.
Painting each other's asses.
- Day and night. - Oh, yeah. Forever.
Forever.
We're gathered here today to honor the passing...
of a man of courage and of vision.
Now, Dr. Ernest Menville always felt life begins at 50.
And since we know so little of Ernest before that age,
perhaps in his case, it's really true.
Because it wasn't until 50 he met his lovely wife, Claire,
that he had two sons and four daughters...
and then like a biblical patriarch...
began to spread his message of hope...
to his adopted children all around the world.
A brilliant academic as well as a rugged outdoorsman,
Dr. Menville pursued with vigor a variety of pursuits...
not just to attain some personal ambition...
but to enhance the world for us...
and make it a better place than he found it.
Oh, and that he did.
The Menville Marriage Counseling Clinic,
the Menville Center for the Study of Women,
and of course, Ernest's AA chapter will carry on long after his death.
...was for him a delightful adventure.
Who among us never knew Ernest the prankster? Hmm?
Ernest the storyteller?
We've all heard his tall tales about the living dead in Beverly Hills.
- Ah, but you see... - Oh, what?
- You're not crying, are you? - I'm not crying.
I have... something in my eye.
- Oh! - Yech!
Oh! Do you have that number 9 acrylic?
Look. I put it in your bag.
- Oh! - I must have dropped it somewhere.
- No. I put it in your bag! - Well.
Who could drop a big can of spray paint for God's sake?
I had it when we left the car, okay?
Let's get the hell outta here.
l, for one, honestly believe this teacher, this benefactor,
this man, had in his own way...
learned the secret of eternal life.
And it's here, among us, in the hearts of his friends.
And the secret of eternal youth right here...
in the lives of his children and his grandchildren.
It is my opinion that our beloved Ernest...
is one man who will indeed...
live forever.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
What'd you do with that spray paint can?
Come on. Get off that. Let me see what kind of a mess you've made of yourself.
Oh, yeah, you're all runny.
- I must look ridiculous. - No, I don't think anyone will notice.
But I think you're gonna need a little bondo on the chin, babe.
- I gotta get to the hardware store. - Oh, now, come on!
How could you have lost an entire can of spray paint?
Why do I have to carry everything? You get to carry a baby purse.
- Where did you see it last? - If I knew, I'd know where it was.
- An entire can of spray paint. - Get off it!
Has that ever worked? When you ask me where I last saw something?
Yes. When you lost your index finger.
- I didn't lose it. It broke off. - That's because you crack...
Help me! My legs aren't working! Help me!
Do you remember where you parked the car?